Archive for the ‘tv’ Category

The Secret Society of Women…

December 1, 2008

This morning I watched an episode of “The Brady Bunch” for the first time in years.  The episode was the one where Mike tries to teach the girls how to cook for their girl scout badge and Carol tries to show the boys how to play baseball.  I have to say, even for the time this has to be the most sexist thing I’ve ever seen!

Because there’s no way that women could EVER play baseball… when girls pick up a bat their brains get infused with MAN-AIDE and it goes COMPLETELY BONKERS.  There’s no WAY that women like Venus Williams or Flo Jo could ever understand the concept of physical athletic competition…

And as soon as the apron goes over a man’s head he reverts DIRECTLY back to ape form.   We turn into complete idiots and do things like drop everything we touch and burn water.  We can’t possibly clean nor do things like use simple household appliances.  Wolfgang Puck really has no idea what he’s doing and don’t even get me started on Emeril.

I’m always amazed when I watch shows like I Love Lucy, The Brady Bunch, Happy Days and most other shows from the era when women doing things like work outside the house was ridiculous.  It goes along with what I was saying yesterday about men being left to their own devices.  Until about 1960, for thousands of years the Secret Society of Women, who meet on their menstrual cycles in a 4th-dimensional astral plane that most of them aren’t even aware of, decided that they were tired of letting men think they’re 100% in control.

This high council of inner-goddesses decided that they were tired of the kitchen, they were all collectively bored.  It was probably soon after the episode of The Brady Bunch I just mentioned first aired.  Anyway, it was decided that they would rise up, so they all raised their fists in the air in unison.  When they returned to consciousness they all felt inspired and only the “womyn” of the neo-paganist and new age movements were aware of why.  This sparked the women’s rights movement that swept the world.

Now for the most part men still can’t cook.  Unless they’re gay.  Maybe that was the master plot of the Secret Society of Women, to turn the entire world gay so we’ll take care of ourselves and they don’t have to worry about us anymore.  I’m so all for it.  Now Bonanza is on.  It’s weird to think that most of those hot cowboys are either elderly or dead by now.

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Dan and Roseanne Conner’s Floor Plan – updated

November 7, 2008

lookalikeroseanne16496roseanneI guess from many of my posts you would think that I’m obsessed with Roseanne.  And yes, that may be a little bit true.  Roseanne is the one show that after several decades of being on television I can still sit down and watch no matter what time of day or season.

There’s one thing however that’s always bugged me about the show – the house’s floor plan.  Now I’m not an architect, engineer, draftsman or person of any real education concerning blue prints, etc but I’ve always been fascinated by floor plans.  When I was a kid my dad would draw house plans for people and I’d sit on the floor next to him and draw floor plans for the loft my Ken Doll and his boyfriend from North Korea that he met on the internet would move into when gay marriage was legalized…

Yeah as a kid I was totally gay.  GAY GAY GAY.  I was so gay that at about 2 years old at my cousin’s wedding I threw a fit because I wanted a wedding dress like she had so my dad had to put me in one of his big t-shirts so I’d shut up.  Someday if I can find pictures of it I’ll post them, I know I’ve seen them somewhere.

Anyway, when I was growing up I used to watch Roseanne all the time, it made me feel normal to see how abnormally they functioned I guess.  During my parents fights, which they had very frequently I would pretend that we were the Conners because they seemed a lot happier.

WOW tragic, huh!  Dear god that brick needs to go right back in the wall, f’real.

Still after like 20 years of watching the show the floor plan bugged me because I couldn’t figure it out.  Everything made sense to me except the master bedroom/master bath configuration that never seemed to fit right with me.  I’ve looked online several times for some kind of clue but I could never find a PDF or even a jpeg of the floor plan so it continued to haunt me.

Until three days ago.  I spotted it while watching the show, the missing link in the house.  The part I never understood was the doors actually, the doors they walk through to reach the bedroom or bathroom from the kitchen didn’t match the ones going from either room into the kitchen, they seemed switched.  Three days ago however I noticed A HALLWAY.  Yes that’s right.

WOOT.

I doubt many of you are as excited about this as I am but it ended a question that’s lingered in my head for a long time.  I’m a simple guy that takes simple pleasures and this is one that has seemed to make my life a little more complete for some reason.

I have this blogging censor that keeps me from writing stuff that I don’t think anyone will give a shit about like Dan and Roseanne Conner’s Floor Plan but this time I said to myself “no, just go ahead and hit that ‘publish’ button.  SOMEONE out there has to be wondering about the same thing so even if nobody else gets it, someone will.”

So here it is, the Conner Family’s Floor Plan.

Conner house 3-D render

Conner house 3-D render

MORE FROM THE FIRST FLOOR HERE!!!

I can't believe all this money I got for my old gold jewelry!

October 23, 2008

I have developed a very adamant TV schedule in the mornings. I start every day at 7:30 where I watch one episode of I Love Lucy, two episodes of Roseanne, two episodes of The Cosby Show, then after that I try to become somewhat productive but often my time bleeds over into the 4 hour block of court shows that fallows.

 

 

In between all the static I’ve become fascinated with commercials. I’m sure everyone’s seen the ones I’m talking about but they either come on too early or too late for most of you to remember. They usually have something to do with getting quick cash or a quick education, nothing more stimulating than the 30 minute programs that they come on during.

 

 

 

My absolute favorite is the one telling you to mail in all the gold jewelry you have laying around for instant cash. And they always show the old lady that says “I had no idea I could get so much money for my gold jewelry” that went on vacation to Boca with the money she got from all the gold jewelry she had. First of all, why the hell would you put GOLD in the mail? Have you SEEN the people that work at the post office? Like they can’t spy one of those envelopes a mile away… I’ve really been wondering what the hell to do with this chest of gold doubloons thanks cash4gold.com!

 

 

 

The next one that I absolutely love is for medical transcription school or some other degree in a year program where the girl says “You gotta pay the bills right? They want you to go to work right? There’s no excuse, I didn’t graduate high school. I had a child young… blah blah…” When you know she barely made it through the commercial acting program at KD Studio. I know people that did those quick programs and they’re still broke, they just have a different job.

 

 

 

Speaking of which I went to check out a school Tuesday and it scared the living shit out of me. I’m actually getting to the point where I can say “back in my day” like “back in my day it wasn’t this freakin hard to get into a state school”.

 

 

 

All in due time, I guess.

 

 

In other news, VitaminWater now makes VitaminShampoo and VitaminConditioner and YEAH I got some. I got dragonfruit kiwi, and it smells great even after the shower fun is over.