Archive for May, 2009

As I go quietly into the night…

May 25, 2009

As I go quietly into the night…

Things have gone quiet at DUNDERBRAIN! And oh, where to begin. The Internet died at my house last week but since I’ll be moving out in a few days anyway there was no reason to cause a fuss. As the machine from Matrix Revolutions said “there are levels of existance we’re prepared to live with”. Besides that the library has free wifi and it’s 2 blocks away.

Then the most horrible thing happened… My laptop converted into a perpetual restart machine. It won’t start in safe mode, or any other mode for that matter. I feel like Carrie Bradshaw when her computer died, every project I had was on it.

I’m taking it to get looked at but it’s still very scary. I write to you now from my iPod Touch through BlogPress app so for the next week or so things will be a bit quiet around here for a bit.

I’m gonna miss you the most scarecrow 😦

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May 16, 2009
Why did candy used to suck so bad?

I was just talking to a friend of mine about donuts. He asked if I’d be getting a maple bar and I said “ew no, I’m not 80!” and that sparked a little thought in my little head – why DID old people candy suck so bad? When was this era of inverted taste buds when disgusting was delicious?

My grandparents, as well as those of my friends always had the most effed up candy. Besides the random car key, expired gas card, and used nail file in their candy dish there would be the most dreaded, god awful confections. It was always crap like that weird maple candy that would come in black or orange wrappers people would hand out at Halloween, little cellophane wrapped chunks of black licorice, sugar free spearmint gum, horehound hard candy, peppermint whirls… there weren’t any starburst, now-and-laters, or any other neatly individually wrapped candy that would work just as well and cost about the same.

My dad’s parents did keep a stash of snickers in the kitchen but I knew where they hid them. Still they’d eat the crappy candy, it’s like those were the actual treats. They were the candies they grew up with because back then they didn’t have starburst flavor, just
crap like tree bark and roots.

Just sayin.

May 16, 2009
Day and Night

Every now and then I slip into these strange dream cycles. For weeks, sometimes months on end I will fall asleep in my bed and awake in a totally different life. As each day passes here it’s like a night passes there; they’re two completely unique, structured existences. Its as though when my waking life sucks, my multiple personalities get bored with it and create their own reality. A simple mind – or a collection there of – can be a dangerous thing.

A friend of mine who has a degree in the subject told me that we don’t actually dream in color, but I contest that idea. Every one of my dreams are in vivid color, particularly green. Each of these dream sequences seems to take place in a woodsy, forested area so green is always a very prominent color.

One time I had an entire sequence, start to finish, of the final days of a civilization. I remembered each detail perfectly from washing my laundry by hand to seeing my loved ones die when the sky caught fire. Finally I wrote the story adding a bit of my own plot to it as I went. I took elements from my waking life and other life experiences to fill in the blanks, and it was turning into a really great story. I got about 30000 words deep into it or so and then put it down to give it a little rest. Since then, before I had a chance to really finish it the hard drive I had it saved on was stolen from me. I know who has it. I’ve asked for it back but ya know, people can be selfish (naw, I’m not bitter about that at all…).

Anyway in each dream I always have a home. For a long time it was an apartment with several layers that I actually based the home in the previous mentioned story from. Now I guess I’ve moved, because now the home I live in is an older cabin with several other people living in it.

So far this sequence has been my favorite yet. A few weeks ago while at a bar-b-cue I met a boy, and honestly I don’t think any waking boy could contest with him. I liked him so much I wanted my mom to meet him right away, but as I took him to meet her I realized I didn’t know his name! So I started to send txt messages to by best friend in the dream but he didn’t know either, then the dream ended.

Another night I dreamt that he had called me for a massage (I guess I’m a massage therapist there too) but the time coincided with our date that evening. So I had to call him and cancel the date, saying I had to work. Even though the client I would be working on was him. I know, right!

Now it’s been a little longer and we’ve gotten more comfortable with being together. In the dream I’m writing a book as well, and he is my muse. I haven’t had a muse in a long while, and even the muse I had before – no matter how discouraging and interruptive to my creative process he was – was still a muse. I think my writing process has been greatly affected by it as well. I’ve been trying to feed off this new dream boy as a muse, but I don’t even know his name! Him having a name probably wouldn’t be that great of an idea, because then I’d have named him and would be officially attatched.

May 9, 2009
Tell that b!tch to be cool…

There’s nothing that annoys me more than people that think bitching about something will get them their way. Most of the time they just bitch to bitch, they put themselves in positions where going into it they know in some way they’ll be victimized. This video is a PRIME example.

The first woman absolutely kills me. She’s sitting at the drive through of Popeye’s Chicken on they day they had the “8 Piece for $4.99” special, screaming into the microphone about how unfair it was that she couldn’t feed her family now because they were out of chicken. “You mean we can’t feed our kids because you’re out of chicken?” She said. First off she’s in an AVALANCHE, not a cheap vehicle. Second, THERE’S NOBODY THERE! The entire building was empty; since the CHICKEN place was out of chicken they had closed and sent everybody home.

So if the $4.99 special at Popeye’s is the ONLY thing you can afford to feed your family yet you drive an effin Avalanche, maybe your priorities are a little off? Seriously, on a completely non-racist note if you live in a community with a large African American community and only a couple Popeye’s, why didn’t you anticipate them running out of chicken?

One time I waited in line for nearly half an hour at Long John Silvers on the first day of Lent. The employees were going crazy inside because they had topped their sales for the entire year – and were almost out of fish. Every culture is drawn to it’s own style of food. Food is one of the many things that defines us as a people and since it is in fact perishable, sometimes we run out of food. It happens.

At the end of the video it shows the same woman saying “and that’s all I have to say” and shuts her car door. There was nobody there to begin with! She wasn’t the only one either, everyone seemed to have something to say about the chicken place that ran out of chicken. Some people swore they’d never come back even though YOU KNOW they will. It just goes to show that some people with bitch about anything they can even if nobody is on the other side of the drive through to listen. Watch the video and I know you’ll agree.

May 8, 2009
DUNDERBRAIN APP CONSUMER REPORT: Free Fart Apps

Earlier today I did a search in the App Store for “fart”. I wasn’t surprised at all that more than 25 free and paid apps pooped up, toilet humor is a complete cash cow. Amongst the top 25 were 7 free apps and here they are.

Atomic Fart FREE ****
FAR Apps
You’re given three options – fart list to select individual farts, a timer for delayed farts, and a fart drum set. The fart drum set has a freestyle or simon says mode where you repeat the rhythm of the squishy farts. I laughed pretty hard.

Fart for Free ***
Gabe Jacobs Productions
This is a very simple press-and-hear fart machine with 16 AMAZINGLY HILLARIOUS fart noises. There are no frills here, just plain old dirty fart noises. The long, lingering farts KILLED me.

Fart Piano Free ****
ObjectGraph LLC
This one is PERFECT for orchestrating your own fart symphony. It comes with three sound boards (dry, wet, and “sampler”) which generates pretty good tones for imitating flatulence.

Fart Coushion *
TMSOFT
Basic timed fart. It farts as soon as it opens so it looses a star for covertness. I’ll most likely delete it.

MEGA FART*
BarnacleJive Sofrware
I was not impressed AT ALL with this little tooter. There were 6 basic farts to choose from and the sound quality eats ass. And to top it off they aren’t even that humorous, just nasty little farts.

Easy Fart ****
Rockifone.com
This one is definitely giggly. It comes with 12 illustrated farts from Angel to Old man. You can adjust the speed and with the full version you can control it with Apple Remote! Stinky wet fun.

Fart Songs! LITE **
Logic Twilight
Fart songs is getting deleted as soon as I finish writing this. The tone is way off and it starts out with a crappy quality introduction stating the name of their company. No fun features, crappy fart sounds, and it’s ugly. LAME!

May 8, 2009

May 8, 2009
I think I spotted what they were trying to hide with Swine Flu…

This morning I was checking all my favorite blogs, one of them being the Gay TV Blog on gay.com. I had NO idea there was a movie being made surrounding Salvador Dali’s life! But I was totally broadsided when I saw that Robert Pattinson (hottie from Twilight that all the little girls are going crazy over with the sparkling abs) will be playing Dali in “Little Ashes” – and the movie emphasizes the romantic relationship between Dali and Spanish poet Federico Garcia Lorca.

Apparently the little Twilight star was nervous about being with a boy – on screen at least. Something about that hair and pretty boy face tells me it wasn’t his first time. I think it’s funny how Dali had such an aversion to sexuality yet the movie focuses on his sexual relationship with a man…

So if I don’t like midgets will they focus the movie of my life around my relationship with them? If I don’t like fish will they make my movie centered on my loathing relationship with fish? I wonder what Dali would say about “Little Ashes” if he were alive to see it today?

Check out this little clip from “Little Ashes” where Robert Pattinson shares a *steamy* kiss with actor Javier Beltran.

BTW When are all these Robert Pattinsons and Zach Efrons of the world going to CUT THEIR FREAKIN HAIR??? At least wash it, damn. I’m so sick of this long greasy hair crap that everyone loves so much right now.

May 7, 2009


You wouldn’t believe the biggest loser I ran into today…

Earlier today my BFF and I went to the park and had a picnic. It was a great day, warm and humid but overcast enough to keep it from feeling horrible. We stopped under a canopy of trees and ate our subway foot long sandwiches, since we’re both comfortable enough with our sexuality to do so (AKA we’re both gay as getup).

Anyway, After we finished our sandwiches we continued walking down the trail, both of us wearing flip flops, the ideal footwear for long walks… as the balls of my feet began to swell and throb with each step the path emerged from the woods, over the river, and into a neighborhood park… in this park was a group of women and one drop-dead gorgeous man.

“It looks like the guy from the biggest loser!” My BFF said but of course I laughed it off. We sat down on the bench next to where the group was getting down and dirty with their pilates balls and one of the girls said “Look we have an audience.”

“Oh we’re not staying don’t worry,” I said but they were very welcoming. One of the girls started saying something about the biggest loser which I thought was funny since my friend had just mentioned something about that as well.

Still, I couldn’t keep my grubby little eyes off this guy. He was GORGEOUS. Like with a capital GORGEOUS. Looking at this man was like candy for your eyes – straight, gay, male, female, I don’t care what you are or what your orientation many be ANYONE could appreciate this perfect male specimen. I really tried to keep from staring over but of course we caught ourselves casually walking by the group several times.

Finally we left the poor people alone and headed back home. We were both mystified by this gorgeous guy and laughed about the whole “Biggest Loser” thing. Then, once we got back to my place a little brain cell flickered on and I remembered I was going to look up the trainer from Biggest Loser – and what did I find? Bob Harper, of of their trainers – and just happens to be a man that looks STRIKINGLY similar to the guy I saw at the park. Why didn’t I take a picture? I didn’t want to seem like a total creep. Usually I’m pretty good about covert snapshots with my phone but these ladies were trying to work out, it just felt wrong to take pics of them. Yeah, I’m a sucky paparazzi. Get over it.

But yeah, I totally swear it was him.

May 7, 2009

LOL @ MY TAGS.


This is a list of all the tags used in my blog so far. Enjoy.

19th century
80’s
80’s tv
A I
ab fab
absolutely fabulous
absolutely fabulous LA
absolutely fabulous remake
adolf hitler campbell
Adolf the Dog
Alicia Goranson
aliens
anal bleaching
animation
apology
app
apps
april fools day
architecture
artificial intelligence
awkward family photos
bad memories
badger fisting
Barnaby Bradford
bars
Bea Arthur
beer bottle
temple
beta blockers
bigfoot
bisexual
BK Mocha Joe
blossom goodchild
bogan
bored
breasts
buddhism
burger king
butt
chain letters
change
chat
children
chimp man
Clones
cocaine
comedy
computers
conner
conner home
courtney love
cover bands
crack
Credence Clearwater Revival
cute
cute pig
dan conner
Daniela Sea
dating
David Hanson
deborah campbell
dolls
dolphins
donuts
drag queen
dream
dream cycle
dreams
drinkin
drinking
drugs
Dunkin Donuts
eco friendly
Edgar Mueller
edina einstein elementary school
end of the world
Estelle Parsons
evolution
ex-boyfriend
facebook
FAIL
favorites
fisting badgers
floor plan
fmylife.com
friends
fun
future
future technology
gadgets
galactic federation of light
ganja
gay
gay chat
gay men
gay.com
Glenn Quinn
Guy Ritchie
heath campbell
Heidi Gill
heroin
High Wheel Bicycle
hillbillies
hillfolk
hip hop
hissy fit
hollywood
hospitals
humanzee
hummel
humor
hybrid animals
hypochndria
inspiration
internet
internet distribution
internet scams
INXS
iphone
iphone app
ipod touch
ipoint
Jack in the Box
JD Fortune
Jennifer Saunders
John Goodman
Johnny Galecki
jokes
Jude Law
Justin Thyme
Kathryn Hahn
kingsford the pig
Kristen Johnston
Laurie Metcalf
lesbian
Linda Grey
links
little pig
love
male issues
male menstrual cycle
male monthy
male period
man period
MANCHICKENS
marijuana
marine biology
mark adamo
mccafe
mcdonalds
media diversion
medication
men
method acting
Michael Fishman
monks
movies
museums
mydonut
myspace
nazi
neo-nazi
new spa treatments
new star trek
new star trek trailer
Nine Inch Nails
noodling
NORML
north korea nuclear weapons
obama
ohio woman tasered
online
opinion
palin
palin turkey incident
pasty
peanut butter
pee monkey
pig
pills
piracy
pirates
pirates: sea battle 2 app
pirating
plato
poetry
police
politics
pot
prose
PSP
background
PSP wallpaper
queen
queer
rap
rednecks
relationships
Richard Kovach
Robert Downey Jr
robots
Roland T
ron paul
Roseanne
roseanne conner
roseanne floor plan
roseanne set
Rush Limbaugh
Sarah Chalke
sarah palin
sarcasm
satire
schadenfreud
science
scott siegel
Sherlock Holmes
sidewalk art
social
social network
social networks
somalia
sphincter bleaching
spring
stalin
Star Trek
star trek phaser app
star trek xi
Steampunk
steroids
swine flu
teacher on crack
technology
television
tell that bitch to be cool
the secret
tony robbins
trailer trash
transgender
Trent Reznor
tv architecture
tv shows
videos
weird stuff
white trash
white trash week
woman in airport
Zac Efron
zachary quinto

May 7, 2009

Wait – Weren’t we scared of the horse flu or cow flu or something?

Last week Swine Flu was all the rage. As I wrote earlier in the week, yadda yadda yadda. Schools were released until further notice. Three days ago #N1H1 and #swineflu were the top trending topics on twitter. People were taking this “plague” very seriously… Then suddenly yesterday people were talking about Kobe and #hobonames again… what the hell happened to the virus that was supposed to take out most of North America?

The media has us wrapped around the governments little finger so tightly that we’re distracted by the slightest attempt at scare tactics. Really, they don’t even have to try anymore. All someone has to do is find an outbreak of an illness that just sounds wicked and say “your children are gonna get sick and die!” then immediately everyone is smearing their noses with Neosporin and popping Zicam until they can’t taste or smell and start to hear colors. Have we seriously become so blind that we will allow the media to direct our thought COMPLETLEY? Didn’t anyone ever see/read “True Colors”?

This morning on the news, just a day after my roommate told me he heard about someone dying in the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex from it, the reporter said that we could stop freaking out over swine flu for a while. The CDC says that we’re going to wait and see how it takes hold in other countries first…

So riddle me this Batman, what laws were passed over the past couple weeks? What progress/digress was made in foreign affairs? What the HELL did we miss while everyone was worried about catching the flu?

The Taliban is back on the rise. I did a search on “Taliban” in Google News and it came back with plenty of results, mainly stories about it’s growth. Isn’t this something that would take priority over freakin SWINE FLU?

I did another search for “new law” in the past week on Google as well. As it turns out, Maine signed a gay marriage law and New Hampshire isn’t far either. We totally missed that one! The law hasn’t been passed yet and may be subject to statewide voting but it’s a start.

Miss California had some nudie pics turn up. HUGE surprise…

Whatever we missed I am still missing. But I’m sure that was the point. After Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Red Flu, Blue Flu I think I’ve got the Flu Flu – AKA freakin sick of hearing about the flu.