Archive for April, 2008

Birthday cake, anyone?

April 29, 2008

In the history of all office birthday parties, the last that I was subjected to had to be, by far, the most awkward.  This past Friday one of the telemarketers in my office had a birthday, and she had mentioned earlier in the week that she didn’t celebrate it.  Now when I hear “I don’t celebrate my birthday” I take it for what it is, the person isn’t as infatuated with birthdays as most of the population is.


I happen to be one of these people myself.


Needless to say I understood but the other Ladies in the office decided that we needed to throw her a party.  It HAD to happen.  We had all heard her stories about her asshole of an ex husband so the popular gossip paradigm of the week was nobody had done anything for the poor girl’s birthday for years.


So the planning commenced.  Papers were passed around the room to see who would bring what, who was bringing the sodas, who was bringing the cookies… you get the drift.  Anyway, the day before she had seemed quite ill so I suspected that she would be calling in the next day, if for no other reason she suspected suspicious activity…and low and behold she did call in, but instead of her being sick herself it was her daughter she needed to take to the doctor.


Of course I figure the party is postponed.  Why are we going to have a SURPRISE party for someone that isn’t even there?  I don’t bother with bringing my cupcakes, I don’t even really put a second thought to the little office birthday party.


As soon as I get out of my car several of the phone ladies run up asking where my party item is…


Apparently she had un-called-in.  So in an effort to not seem like a total cheap douche I run up the road to Kroger and grab a little cake thing and chips and whatnot.


So this little office party has now turned into a big deal.  Every employee was there waiting when she finally pulled up.


We hid behind cubicles.


She walked through the door with her 4 year old daughter who we had convinced her to bring to work with her…


And we all jumped out and yelled SURPRISE!


The little girl screamed and hid behind the fax machine.  The birthday girl was very shy and awkward, and once things had settled down a little, she let us know why she didn’t celebrate her birthday.






The record stopped and everyone got that awkward feeling in their pants where they want nothing more than to run as far away from the situation as possible.  So I did.  Prime opportunity to take my lunch.  I ran to my car and before the engine could turn over my finger cramped from thumbing through my phone’s contact list trying to decide which friend would appreciate that story the most FIRST because it HAD to be told.


The girl stayed her whole shift with her sick daughter in tow.  At first she was scared as hell, like “why are these people yelling at mommy on her birthday?!” But after that she began running up to her mom saying “happy birthday” and I could only imagine what that started…


Ignorant Bitch, Anonymous.

April 24, 2008

Working in a formal office environment has been a huge social transition for me.  I’ve gone from working on a one-on-one basis with people doing massage but now I’ve been thrown into multicultural clusterfuck of varying intellects.  One conclusion that I have deducted from working in an office setting is a support group needs to be formed, a group that a certain member of my office team would definitely fit.


Ignorant Bitch, Anonymous.


We’ll call it IgBitchAnon, you know like how they shorten it for the drunks.  This certain woman in my office…  every comment that she makes drops my jaw to the floor and YOU KNOW that takes a lot.  Every day after lunch she feels the need to announce how full she is.  Over.  And over.  And over.  In her loud countryfab voice.  Then the random comments start.  For example, IgBitchAnon statement #1:


“I’m so glad we’re over in Iraq civilizing those people.  There’s nothing wrong with civilization!”


Inteligent person responds: “Well, in my opinion they’ve been running things their way for hundreds of years, who are we to step in?”


IgBitchAnon response:


“But EVERYONE needs civilization!  It would really improve their tourism industry.  I mean, I would LOVE to see Iraq if there weren’t so many terrorists!”


TOURISM?  I’ve heard every different ignorant rationalization for the war in Iraq but TOURISM?  Are they going to build a Disney there next?  Maybe a Six Flags over Baghdad…  Mind you the woman is wearing a ratty old t-shirt and sweat pants… to work.  When the HELL is she going to travel to, I don’t know, FRANCE much less the Middle East?  Yet another one of my favorites was:


“…Jimmy Hoffa?  He’s not dead.  Jimmy Hoffa married a black hooker and got deported to Brazil.  She’s the only reason Jimmy Hoffa’s alive, he’s probably drinking on some beach in Brazil right now for all we know.”


WTF?  Where did this even come from?  If you listen to her stories she’ll go on about some bullshit about her family’s mob connection and the man she’s all loved up with in prison… I’ve probably put myself in danger by posting this at all…


Anyway, the big topper came today.  I couldn’t stay in the room after this one, once the topic arose I immediately left the room in a roar of laughter.


“You know in Asia they eat HORSE?  They slaughter HORSES to eat over there.  Did you know that?  I can’t IMAGINE eating a horse!”


Considering they slaughter pigs, cows, and chickens (amongst many stranger animals) around the world…  I just couldn’t take another lick of ignorance from this woman.  So I separate from the situation, distract myself, got all the giggles out, then when I return the question is asked:


“Have you ever eaten horse meat Justin?”  At which point I believe I rolled my eyes harder than they have ever rolled before and pretended to be consumed with the paperwork and data entry that now fills my life.


And through the Elvira makeup and fanned out 80’s hair I can tell that she isn’t a bad person, she’s just completely ignorant to most of the subjects that she enjoys discussing.  I mean, anyone who uses the reasoning “It’s in the English bible” to back something has to be a step back on the intelligence scale.  This is why the support group should be formed.  This is not the only igbitch out there.  The world is full of igbitches, and you just can’t hate on ignorance.  You can only tape the support group meetings and laugh your ass off.


Now that’s a reality show I would get locked down into…

Just a school of fish.

April 23, 2008

It has been exactly 30 days since my last blog. THIRTY MOTHER FUCKING DAYS.

Did you miss me?

Well, as far as “pruning periods” go folks I’ve been chopped back to a stub with this one. Everything in my life has changed, turned upside down if you will. I’m 27 years old. I’ve started a new career. I’ve just left a 4-year relationship.

The question is…

Where do I go now?

Dating again after not dating for a prime 4-year period of your life is shit-ass-suck-pussy. Things change DRAMATICALLY pre and post major relationship. Before you have that first one, that big life changing relationship, partnership, and marriage, whatever you want to call it, that is ALL you want. You want someone to hold you at night. You want someone to come home to.

Then the big one hits.

And it seems like now relationships aren’t as much of a lifelong partnership as they are a cataclysmic wave that destroys your life and leaves you an emotional jigsaw puzzle where none of the pieces match up. Sure there are a few exceptions to the rule, there’s the rare breed of soul mates that still exist, and all relationships do have their good times. For the most part, however, the majority of us all swim through life alone.

The thing is when you re-emerge into this vicious world of dating at 27, most people around your age are either still in that first big tsunami or they’re still looking for it real hard.  Nobody just wants to date anymore, it’s like everyone’s evolved into lesbians.  Typical first dates involve hanging out and watching a movie, jumping straight into that “been together for months” phase.  What ever happened to just going out with someone and having fun?  You know what I mean, just enjoying a person’s company without the expectation of being together for the rest of your lives.  Without any expectations at all for that matter.

We’re all too damn picky, our heads are full of screwed up expectations. We want someone who meets unattainable expectations, and if by chance they do actually meet those expectations we create half a dozen more for them to live up to. How much does a person have to prove themselves before good enough is enough? We’ve been taught by our parents (and society as a whole for that matter) that we need to find someone who we can be 100% happy with, that fits our every need and meets our every specification – because THEY fallowed in THEIR parents footsteps and married someone who looked good on paper then they later discover they can’t stand to be around each other. It’s like embedding pickiness into their children was the only way to break this chain of lifelong servitude to another person. It’s our genetic memory stepping up and saying

“ENOUGH! Live life thoroughly, happily, never be confined to limitations and never confine someone else! JUST FUCKING LIVE ALREADY!”

Society is definitely changing romance. Nobody stays together anymore. It’s completely normal for people to have 5 marriages through their lives when fifty years ago a person would be shunned into a cave for such activities. We’re at the end of the age of Pieces, we’re all like fish – swimming together for a while then flapping away to swim with some other fish and so on. On the upside though, the silver lining if you will, we’re not all just swimming alone – we’re all just little fish in one big school.