Archive for March, 2008

Final Breakup VII

March 24, 2008

Recently I’ve learned a lot of important lessons.  Many of these lessons include social interaction but mainly they’ve been lessons in how to think.  After watching “What the Bleep Do We Know?” I have been making a conscious effort to turn my thoughts around.  When I have a negative thought, I counter it with a positive thought.  Lately this has been very important in my life considering my unsavory relationship-related circumstances.  There’s so much you really start to see when you wipe the negativity-cobwebs from your eyes…

 

One thing that has become very clear to me is breaking up is like a game.  SquareSoft needs to get on that one pronto, I smell a strategy RPG in the making…  we’ll call it “Final Breakup”.  The key players will be you and the ex…  instead of summons and spells you’ll have best friends and fag hags waiting at your disposal to cast out some fury on the ex.  Then on the other side, people you once knew and loved turn to demons and lash out against you like the people they once were never would have before.  A once serene and peaceful blue sky blackens as the eve of a storm rolls in…

 

Strategy in Final Breakup is key.  Any attack you play on the opponent is amplified and shot back at you.  It’s important not to give them anything they could possibly hold over your head or throw in your face later during the break up, because after the final level of the game MORE bonus levels start coming out of the woodwork, and in these bonus levels the opponent call use any ammunition it’s been given through the course of the game.  Things are fine, you think the final credits to the game are about to roll and then POOF a demon from the first level delivers a painful blow and the fight ensues again.

 

There is no offense in Final Breakup.  There is no way to fight and succeed, the best thing to do is defend yourself from the big attacks then roll with the punches with the smaller ones.  The most important spell you can acquire is more effective than any lesser imps and sprites in your arsenal…  an invisibility spell called “Fatigimus Careless” which basically means you’re tired of caring enough to fight so eventually your opponents attacks loose their power and the game finally ends.

 

When it comes down to it the game doesn’t end until you stop playing.  There is no such thing as an easy break up, no matter what both parties loose life points and sometimes by the end of the game one or both feels like they’re near death.  Just remember, as long as the controller is in your hand and the console is on the game will never end and Final Breakup will turn into Final Breakup XII. 

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Madonna stole Britney's Soul

March 22, 2008

Yesterday, while out and about, the new Madonna and Justin Timberlake song was brought to my attention.  In big bold letters on the top of the youtube page “4 Minites By Madonna feat Justin Timberlake and Timbaland” let me know that yes, Madonna has finally hopped on the Timbaland train.  As I listened to the song with the expected generic Timbaland sound that he makes all the rappers and rising hip-hoplets drop it like it’s hot and pop lock and drop it to like trained monkeys on a stage I couldn’t help but think about Britney Spears.  I think Madonna stole her soul when she kissed her at the VMA’s.

 

Now I don’t see how it wasn’t so obvious when it happened.  After the whole Madonna kiss Britney really started to loose it.  She had that weekend wedding to Jason Alexander in Vegas then the next September she married K-Fed.  I mean if you look closely, that’s when the downward spiral began.

 

This week’s episode of South Park really put the Britney situation in perspective.  You know, no matter how crude people think South Park is it really does have a pretty steady moral compass.  Although the ideas are a bit exaggerated the show itself has a pretty good grip on the reality of this country and I think that scares a lot of people.  It’s threatening to people’s routine of ignoring things.  Plus it has a lot of poop jokes.

 

Anyway…

 

In the episode Britney finally snaps and blows her head off with a shotgun.  When it showed her place the barrel of the shotgun in her mouth fallowed by her head exploding in graphic detail making my browline touch my hairline and my jaw literally fall off my face and onto the floor I was a bit put off, to say the least.  But she lived… and they got her right back in the studio where her recordings were a mish mash of gargles and glugs out of the half of a head she was left with.

 

The point was that nobody would really even notice if she blew half her head away, they would still be concerned with what outrageous thing she’s doing or what she wore to the VMAs.  I think this was Madonna’s motivation for stealing her soul.

 

Before Madonna stole her soul Britney was doing pretty good.  She was a bit outrageous, a bit naughty but she was still a decent performer, as far as pop singers go.  This threatened Madonna.  If you think about it, the Goddess of Pop never really went off the deep end.  She was outrageous, she was naughty but she wasn’t bat shit crazy.  If Britney continued along in her footsteps, well… it’s kinda like the Highlander.  There can be only one, you know?  If you think about it nobody’s really heard From Christina Aguilera since then either and she got the Madonna Kiss too.  I guess she was just like a little desert for the soul-eating Madonna, like an after dinner mint or something.

 

Now she’s got Timberlake.  What are her plans with him?  Did Michael Jackson hire her to hold his ground for him since he’s off touching little boys in Bahrain?  If Madonna isn’t stopped she could end up taking out the entire New Mickey Mouse Club.  Didn’t she let J C Chasez hit it one time in her limo or something?  Because he isn’t doing shit either…

 

I mean Madonna is about to be 50, how else is she supposed to stay young besides consuming the essence of young rising starlets?

The Ghosts of Reznor

March 20, 2008

Yesterday while fumbling around through the murky depths of youtube I made a discovery which I couldn’t believe I, of all people, had somehow missed – the new Nine Inch Nails album, Ghosts I-IV has been out for a couple weeks now. I watched a video of front man Trent Reznor promoting a user-made video project to go along with the album and I was totally blown away that something like this had slipped through my internet radar… then he says my favorite word – instrumental. I literally, at that moment, fell over and died. After proper resuscitation and a change of underwear I began to research the Ghosts project further.

 

The album is actually 4 EPs, each with their own spirits and demons wearing the same Halo 26 label that NIN has assigned it even though each ghost is unique and personal enough to earn its own. I listened to the album directly from NIN.com for the first time and fell in love. Songs like help me I’m in hell and Memorabilia have kept me begging the gods for an instrumental NIN album and Ghosts I-IV fulfilled my every NIN dream. After Year Zero an album like this was really inevitable. The two really aren’t that different except with Ghosts it seems like there’s an instrument missing… the sexy, sublime voice of Trent Reznor. Everything else is there; it’s much like a grand, elaborate party in which the guest of honor has yet to arrive.

 

There are definitely some ghosts in this album, faint distant tones reminiscent of old work that the band has poured his heart into. In the track 20 Ghosts thick gritty electronic tones overlay a distinct didjeridu-like rhythm taking you to an aboriginal gathering in a steel factory. Songs such as 24 Ghosts stir memories of Pretty Hate Machine as the muted strumming of 3 Ghosts takes you back down the spiral. The entire album is like a haunted house with both spirits and demons lurking around every corner.

 

Ghosts I-IV was compiled in an intense 10 week period and provided to the public directly through the NIN website for the first time without a recording contract. The first EP Ghosts I can be downloaded – get this – TOTALLY free from the NIN website. The rest of the album is a CHEAP $5 download, or you can go all out and have a physical copy shipped to you in a 2-disc digipack… Saul Williams used this same concept with his new album Niggy Tardust (also produced by Reznor) which was provided as a free download with an optional $5 donation to the artist. See how beautiful life can be without the bullshit factor of record labels???

 

This album is a needed addition to any music collection. Each track is a painting with dramatic textures and colors and Trent Reznor is truly an artist of sound, blending the beauty and elegance of Monet with the torrid emotional torture of Pollock, and then reaching out for the introspective obscurity of Dali. Ghosts I – IV is definitely more of a gallery than an album.

MAD LIBS with Sen. Kern!

March 14, 2008

This week a group calling themselves the “Victory Fund” released a video which includes audio of Oklahoma Representative Sally Kern delivering the most vulgar display of hate outside of a white pointy hood. Apparently the “woman” thought only 50 people were listening, but since the video was released nearly 900,000 have added their names to an open letter letting her know that “they’re listening”.

 

Well, BITCH, I was listening too. I’m not going to waste my time telling you how much I can’t stand this woman. I’d rather not waste the energy. Instead, here’s a fun way of turning a hate speech into something positive. MAD LIBS!!!! What you see here is a transcript of the Battle Axe’s speech with all the negatives pulled out for you to insert positives.

 

Check out the video HERE.

 

Don’t give this woman power by taking her seriously!! Make fun of her!!! HUMILIATE HER! Kick sand in her face!!!! Please let her know you were listening too by filling in your answers and posting them in my comments!!!! OKAY so some of my grammar may be a bit off in this thing but fill it out to your own liking! Change everything if you want, just turn it into a joke so this woman can stop getting applause everywhere she goes.

 

The homosexual agenda is __verb___ this nation, okay? It’s just a fact. Not everybody’s lifestyle is equal, just like not all __ plural noun___ are. You know, the very fact that I’m talking to you like this here today puts me in jeopardy, okay? And I’m not anti- and I’m not gay _verb__, but according to God’s Word, that is ___adjective___. It has __adjective__ consequences for those people involved in it. They have more __verb__, they’re more __verb_, there’s more ___noun___, their ___noun___ are shorter, you know, it’s not a lifestyle that is good for this nation.

As a matter of fact, studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has __verb__ more than, you know, a few decades. So it’s the ___noun__ for this country. I honestly think it’s the biggest _verb__ our nation has, even more so than _noun___ or ___noun___, which I think is a big threat.

Because what’s happening now, they’re going after, in schools, __farm animal or something equally ridiculous__! Do you know what they’re trying to get into early __noun_ education? They want to give our __noun__ into the government schools so they can __verb__ them. I taught __noun__ for close to twenty years. And we’re not teaching __noun__ and __noun___ anymore folks. We’re teaching __dirty noun__, okay? And their going after our young children, as young as two years of age to try to teach them that the __noun___ is an acceptable __noun__.

You know, gays are __noun__. Did you know, Eureka Springs, anybody been there, the passion play? Okay, have you heard that the city council of Eureka Springs is now __adjective__? Okay? There are some others, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Takoma, Maryland; Kennsington, Maryland; in Vermont, Oregon, West Palm Beach, Florida; in a lot of other places in Florida. What’s happening? They are __noun__.

One of the things I deal with in __noun__, I tried to introduce a bill last year that would __verb__ parents, schools had to let parents know what __noun__ their students were involved in. And the reason I did that bill primarily was this: __dub ass reason for writing a bill__. Kids are getting involved in these __noun__, their lives are being __verb__, their parents don’t know about it. So I introduced a bill, you have to __verb__ all clubs and things.

And one of my colleagues said you know, we don’t have a __noun__ problem in my county, that’s why I voted against that bill. Well you know what? To me that is so __verb__. If you got __noun__ or something in your __body part__, do you say, you know, I’m just going to forget about it because __reason__. It __verb__, okay? And this stuff, it’s __adjective__ and it’s spreading and it will __verb__ our young people, it will __verb__ this nation.

10000 Reasons not to see 10000 BC…

March 11, 2008

Picture it – Egypt, 10000 BC.  Wild Mammoths, Terror Birds, and Spear Tooth tigers roam wild.  The Egyptians near completion of the Great Pyramid in Giza by employing the great Mammoth to transport giant blocks…

 

Ok, wait…  If you’re as confused as I am you should have sat through this movie last night.  The new box office flop, 10000 BC directed by Roland Emmerich was bludgeoned upon the public last Thursday and is already leaving theaters empty.  I had high expectations for this movie as I believe many who saw it did.  First off I don’t know what the hell Mr Emmerich was thinking here, at all.  How are you going to spoon feed a movie with MAJOR, MAJOR inconsistencies to a market of history buffs?

 

This movie made my teeth clench almost the whole way through.  I was trying to stay open to it, REALLY trying to keep an open mind but as soon as the prehistoric people dropped a net made of woven rope on the CGI mammoth I knew I was in for a bumpy ride.  My first question is where did they get this rope?  Home Depot?

 

After that the movie continues on with an overdone story of a woman taken from her lover, and lover’s desperate search for her.  Along the way he meets up with a Saber-Toothed Tiger which he befriends and assists him in filling the prophecy he was destined for.  He gains the trust and respect of many tribes and actually finds his woman before she’s swept away again and taken down the river on ships with sails…

 

ACK!  OMG at this point I was squirming in my seat.  They moved from the tundra, to the plains, to the JUNGLE, to the DESSERT!  All while facing the north star.  Where the fuck were they coming from?  I’m guessing that, on foot, they crossed through the Congo then the Sahara from somewhere in southern Africa maybe?  Anyway, I wanted to know where this magical continent with each temperate climate was pretty bad.

 

Once the captors boarded their ships and sailed up the Nile it was hard for me to stay in the theater.  They had pulleys, PULLEYS holding the SAILS on these ships in place.  You gotta imagine, I’m rubbing the grit from my face as the movie’s butchering history into a million pieces.

 

Skip ahead through the retarded desert scene straight to the Pyramids.  They focus in on the three structures still under construction, Mammoths hauling giant stones up ramps…  I CRINGED.  They find out that the people who have enslaved them, mainly a tall thin figured constantly shielded by a gossamer curtain and a bunch of small arabish people doing his bidding, came from either the stars or from the sea when their home sank into the ocean…

 

OK fuck the rest of the movie at this point, it totally lost me.  If it wasn’t so close to the 109 minutes that it ran I would have left but I decided to tough it out.  Considering the Great Pyramid wasn’t even built until about 7500 years later this is a FATAL inconsistency.  I don’t know how they expected ANYONE who went to high school to even sit through this.  I don’t see why they didn’t just take ATV’s through the desert and save a ton of time, or hell take the 2:56 train from South Africa to Chiro and save gas.

 

The Anunaki-like people were laughable; they had long gold fingernails like trite asian nemeses in 1950’s science fiction.  The underlings were reminiscent of the squat, effeminate Egyptian homos that are usually portrayed in old movies as baggage attendants at airports or bell boys in hotels.  And it was very multicultural for 10000 BC, I mean I’m all for equal opportunity employment in the movie industry but it seemed like they tried to put actors into stereotypical roles whose stereotypes wouldn’t be created for another few thousand years.

 

I do have to give it a few major props though.  There was absolutely NO product placement.  NONE.  And it had the best CGI big cat I’ve seen.  The mammoth scenes were pretty cool, and I would have liked the concept of the strange Egyptians if it would have been used in proper context.  That was the part that pissed me off the most really, I’ve been waiting for a good movie about prehistory and early man and this was NOT it.

 

Overall the movie seemed to be the product of an LSD laced pot party where the ideas always seem better when you were fucked up than they do on paper.  If you’re so inclined wait a few days for it to go to the dollar movie, then see it on half-off day because it’s not worth more than fifty cents.

my lover 3am.

March 10, 2008

Lately sleep and I haven’t been on the nicest of terms.  It’s like old married sex, usually one is in the mood and the other isn’t.  When I’m beat down and worn out and all I want is to pass out, sleep just will not have me.  Then the next day when I’m trying my damnedest to make it through yet another day, Sleep creeps in and starts pulling on my eyelids.  She doesn’t care if I’m driving, she doesn’t care if I’m… well doing other things it isn’t optimal to fall asleep during.

I think it’s because I’m falling in love.

My new lover’s name is 3am.  There’s something about the hours which pass after the witching hour shifts from the time before midnight used for doing good to its evil remainder.  Time itself changes from a constant flowing stream of weaving chronology to a viscous sludge which moves like honey but slips through your fingers like water.  Hours pass like days but before you know it 6am is creeping around the corner and your chances of sleep are greatly diminished.

Nobody is awake and alone at 3am because they want to be. 

It seems I’ve become a part of a strange secret underground network of online insomniacs.  There’s a certain honestly that becomes employed when you’re sleep deprived and lonely, it’s a vulnerability that’s triggered by loneliness and encouraged by fatigue.  It’s amazing the connections and reconnections that you can establish chatting with a faceless person an undisclosed distance from your situation in the wee hours.  It’s so easy to drop someone a line a 3am when their status reads “online now”.  It really makes me wonder what people did at 3am just a few years ago when the internet was just a twinkle in Al Gore’s eye.

How did people fight loneliness before the internet?

Social interaction has become automated to the point of being inefficient.  The thing that people are taking for granted is relationships can look so perfect on paper or digital bleeps of light in this case.  I love to hear the “getting together” stories of people who found each other through the magic of the gods alone, like standing in line together at the grocery and one drops something perishable and they bump heads while both trying to pick it up.  Almost all of my friends, if asked where they met their partner, will tell you “we met online”.  A few years ago you would have been laughed out of any room for the exact same words, now they’re just common place.

So how the hell DID people date before the internet?

I have done my fair share of “online dating” and honestly I can’t imagine any other way of doing it.  I know they’re out there but I’ve always been such a goof.  I’m a tall, awkward sonofabitch and first impressions are not my strong suit.  In fact it’s hard for me to believe that so many couples exist in the world that have been together longer the internet has been around.  And the funniest part is I know people, still, in 2008 that met their partners the REAL way, the face to face way with only minor intervention from some divine force.

But 3am isn’t all about meeting other lonely people, it’s about youtube.  StumbleUpon.  FARK.  It’s about educating yourself through 10-minute videos and pointless links that you can’t help but click.  My new favorite term is “YouTube Physicist”.  This applies to anyone who doesn’t know a god damn thing about physics but have watched “What the bleep do we know?” and “The Elegant Universe” enough to pick up key words and grasp a basic understanding.

I LOVE IT when I come up with new names for myself.

I think it kicks major fuckin ass.  Physicists are pricks that got made fun of in high school so now they cling to the only thing that keeps them separate from the rest of the adult, non-high school universe:  big stupid words.  Then they expect you to use these words when speaking to them about physics but make fun because you sound like a total tard when you drop $2 words like “superposition” you picked up from a 2:34 video clip on string theory.  It’s not just physicists; it’s pretty much anyone educated in crap most people don’t care about such as science.  The reason most people don’t give a crap about it is because it’s made too hard for the layman to understand.  Physics should be for everyone, knowledge should never be hoarded.  That’s why I think YouTube should be petitioned to start YouTube University.  So what if you can’t go afford to go to school if you can just watch lectures on things like Physics and Philosophy.

I would DEFINITELY go there.

Using "The Secret" to Get Laid.

March 7, 2008

Sex.  It can be fun, it can be destructive… it seems to be the only act that hold so much power in such a wide spectrum of ways.  I’ve been checking out the Law of Attraction a lot, which simply states you can draw things to you by thought power alone.  Youtube “The  Secret” to find out more.

Anyway.

The Law of Attraction says the harder you concentrate on bringing what you need to you the more likely you are to have success.  So why doesn’t that apply to sex?  Why is it that the most desperate people are ALWAYS desperate?  Wouldn’t that constant draw bring in something?

How does “The Secret” apply to sex?

So if you just think about sex all the time, you’ll get it all the time.  Right?  Not quite.  Humanity has sexuality totally confused.  When someone NEEDS sex, and they go to the bar every night and achieve absolutely nothing what does that say for the law of attraction?

There’s the catch.

When someone is desperate for sex, they’re not typically thinking “tonight’s the night!”, subconsciously they’re thinking “it’s been so long since I’ve gotten laid I hope this streak doesn’t last ANOTHER day.”  With that individual thought you’ve thrown the whole set up for attraction.  Its that one little negative thought that throws the whole thing out the window.  Positive thoughts have to be ALL positive.  EXAMPLE:  “I hope I don’t loose” = negative thought and “I hope I win” = positive thought.  See how that works?

Sex is usually quantity over quality.  When someone’s desperate they may finally get laid but it’s usually quick and messy and doesn’t happen with that specific partner again.  But then take someone who’s comfortable and patient and even though they may not breeze through partners they usually have much more satisfying encounters.

 HOMEWORK:  Wanna get laid tonight?  For the rest of the day, convince yourself that tonight you will get the nookie.  Keep it in your head all day, and never doubt it.  NO GUARANTEES but you could be more laid that you were yesterday.

Wash your wounds with Aquafina

March 3, 2008

A few weeks ago I went to see Cloverfield, but of course that’s not what this is about. I was really distracted from the oversized anime-esque monster by the overly blatant product placement. It was EVERYWHERE. When they cleaned their wounds in the subway, the water was provided by a conveniently placed AQUAFINA machine with an even more conveniently placed crowbar right next to it. When they’re on the street getting torn to pieces by the monster, the Sephora store was perfectly pristine.

Sure, product placement is inevitable. It pays for the stuff we see on the screen now as apposed to the use your imagination special effects that came before every action hero had to down a coke before base jumping off the world trade center. However I’ve really started to notice it everywhere I look, it almost feels insulting to my intelligence as a consumer.

It’s the Red Bull on Guitar Hero. It’s the constant advertisement in video games period, for that matter. I wonder if this subconscious crap actually works on people. Are there people out there so stupid as to be swayed by the advertising companies slipping them a Mickey in their video games?

It makes me wonder though, why does Dr Pepper taste better than Dr Thunder? Why are we determined to buy name brand products rather than their near identical generic counterparts? Could it be that we’re all subject to mass mind control?

That’s some scary stuff right there. It don’t make me happy. Really now I just want to walk around with my eyes closed and never look at anything again. Ever.

This brings me to something else I’ve noticed. Starbucks are on every corner in the nation and rarely do you see a commercial for them on TV besides the holidays when everyone is pushing gift certificates. You never see them advertised but watch ANY TV show or movie taking place in the past 20 years or so and you’ll see a late or starbucks-like drink. Do you think it could be some kind of no-name viral marketing scheme of sorts? Just put the idea in their heads then put stores on every corner to provide them the outlet for that desire.

It’s just something to think about. I think it’s fun to make a game out of, spot the commercials *between* the commercials, ya know. With every tv show you watch keep an eye out for the boxes of cereal labeled “crisp rice” if they have a label at all.

Barack.

March 3, 2008

As some of you know I had a highly fundamental Christian upbringing. My mom would tote me around from new church to new church so I got a pretty wide grasp on the subject before deciding for myself that it’s all a bunch of bollocks. Anyway, the one aspect of Christianity that I was fascinated with was the end times… the Book of Revelations…

 

The End.

 

It just sounds all heeby jeeby just saying it, Book of Revelations…

 

As many more of you know I am absolutely OBSESSED with the end of the world. Apocalypse. I get a half-chub just thinking about the world – or at least society as we know it – coming to an indeterminate end. The show “Life After People” which recently aired on the Discovery Channel was like porn to me.It isn’t that I hate people, it’s just something in my gut that keeps kicking me. It says something big is about to happen, something REALLY big. I have dreams about it even. I’ve noticed a lot of other people are waiting for it too, they make movies about earthshaking catastrophes and they sell like little boys in Thailand.It’s like the end of a movie, the scenes start to change, the climax is approaching, the speed of the movie intensifies – and you know it’s only another 15 minutes or so until the credits roll. I think this is what the world is feeling now, we’re all filled with antici—

-pation.

This is why we NEED to elect Barack Obama to be the president of the United States.

He is the Antichrist.

I tried to research the subject and give specific reasons as to why Mr Obama is the harbinger of the end-times but I found that someone else has already done it. Along with Revelations many other famous prophets have agreed that the final leader will descend from the middle east and basically come out of NOWHERE – and then it clicked.

It just seems so odd that for the longest time our country has been run by old white men then suddenly – GASP – a WOMAN and a BLACK MUSLIM?? WTF??? I mean, blindsided. Totally.

 

Here is the list of reasons some dickweed on the net prepared as to why, biblically Obama would fit the role:

 

1.- He will come as a man of Peace (Obama promises peace in Iraq, defeat for the US)

2.- He will come mounted on a white Female horse(Obama mother is white who had 6 African husbands)

3.- He will come to deceive( Obama says he’s a Christian but in fact he was born a Muslim, practices the Islamic religion, prays Friday’s facing Mecca)

4.- He will make himself the most powerful man on earth, if elected

5.- He will try to destroy the Jewish People and Israel( Obama has said he loves the Arabs specially the Palestinians, hates Israel and Jews. Admires Hitler, Osama etc)

6.- He will present himself as good and righteous but in fact he’s Satan himself. Violence is in his heart

7.- Obama will help Al Qaida in its evil projects.

8.- Barack Hussein Obama is the “King of the South” predicted in the Bible.(Daniel .11, Kenya is south of Jerusalem)

9.- Obama comes to implant muslim Sharia Law upon America.

Now the piece was written by some uncitable person as slander but it got me pumped. I have never wanted someone to be our president so bad in my entire life. Apparently he doesn’t cross his heart during the pledge of allegence, he doesn’t stand for the national anthem. I mean seriously, the dude needs to have ANTI-CHRIST tattooed across his forhead.

Not to mention people are getting super defensive of him. American Airlines center in Dallas was PACKED when he was here, the same venue that sells out people like U2 and Foo Fighters. People love him. They say “Hillary what? John McWho?”. Obama WILL be our next president. This is the last full 4-year term before December 21 2012 which marks the end of the Mayan Calendar – and the world as well, many say. I just find it funny that the end of the world is like 6 weeks after the 2012 election.

BRING IT ON! I say.

I’ll be ready with my canned food and bottled water.